Sarah Palin in Desperate Bid to Upstage Michael Jackson
by Jim Washburn
“Let’s go quit!” That was CNN’s Candy Crowley Friday night, imagining the decision process that led to Sarah Palin’s resignation, so spontaneous and unplanned did it seem. Nutty, too. It sounded like Richard Nixon if, heading into his Checkers Speech, he’d first taken the edge off by mixing Benzedrex inhalers into his rum and Cokes, the ones Dick Tuck had laced with pure Sandoz LSD, and then Nixon had gone on camera and wrestled an imaginary bear that turned into a black Satan and he’s going to keep that precious baby, no matter what anybody says, even the NBA coaches. That kind of nutty.
A hasty press call is made. Many reporters aren’t even there in time. Sarah goes out and starts rambling about the Fourth of July and America’s greatness, and how the great state of Alaska came into being only because of visionary leaders in Lincoln’s cabinet (which always sounds so much more quaint than saying THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT); God bless our military; God gave us energy! (she means oil, though that Benzedrex does pack a kick); but now the nabobs of negativity are a’nattering at her door so that she can’t hardly get any work done for the people, and the media is like snakes in her baby’s crib; and the Feds are forcing her to take their tainted socialist money, which she needn’t, and doesn’t, mention is disproportionately collected from more populous and liberal states; but she never does business as usual, no more than Tina ever does anything nice and easy; so she can’t stand quitters, but she’s quitting.
You expect her then to climb into the seaplane bobbing behind her and fly into the Russian sunset.
But there’s more:, a laundry list of accomplishments, with too much starch in the pleats. The media doesn’t spread the good word about how she’s achieved four year’s work in two; and she spent part of the time fighting the “special interests” that would force “the heavy hand of federal government into our communities” (the same hand that propped Alaska up for decades before the pipeline); and those ethics complaints against her are poo; and the politics of personal destruction shouldn’t be used against those of us who don’t hobnob with terrorists; and fishermen know that only dead fish go with the flow, though how being true to the vow to execute your office faithfully and finish your goddamn term is being a dead fish is something that can only be decided on a basketball court, because she’s driving through the opposition so she can pass the ball. Can you comprehend the sacrifice she’s making? For Team America? Other lame duck governors may hang around just take trips and milk the old paycheck; and she just won’t do that to the people of Alaska, like she would have had no choice but to if she’d stayed, and she just can’t let that happen to the people of Alaska, especially when she can make much more in the private sector; plus she push-polled her own kids, “Do you want me to make a positive difference and fight for all our children’s future from outside the governor’s office,” and every one of them said “No mommy, we want you to continue to abuse your office because we sure did love those state-paid junkets you already took us on, yes sirree”; but I’m keeping my Republican cloth coat, and the dog, so meet your new governor, Slappy Dwarfburger, ’cause I’m outta here.
Palin should have a slot that takes quarters, because she was talking pure squirrel food. What kind of president would she make? A Martin Sheen in The Dead Zone kind. She’s bunker bait, that girl.
Some possible reasons for her resignation:
- She bought a wig and rented a room in Buenos Aires under the name Maria.
- Sarah had a bet with Todd: “You don’t believe I can kick Michael Jackson’s dead ass off the air? Watch this!”
- She’s going to get a late-night TV show and go head to head with Letterman.
- The other shoe is about to fall, and she’s getting out ahead of it.
Comments
Another more likely reason for Governor Palin’s resignation:
She’s going to replace Elisabeth Hasselback on “THE VIEW” when Elisabeth goes on maternity leave, thereby raising the collective intelligence level of that show’s entire panel immeasurably.
i so hope that sarah palin remains in the public eye for many years to come. she provides such wonderful material for ironic comedy. also, she’s better than botox - my eyebrows are lifted 2 cm. every time i hear her quoted. palin for president in 2012…we need the laughs!!!
2009-07-05 by BethPalin (erroneously) quoted General Douglas MacArthur in the last line of her resignation speech.
She would have done far better to remember a couple other things MacArthur actually did say:
“Americans never quit.”
“Age wrinkles the body. Quitting wrinkles the soul.”
~ Douglas MacArthur
Half the voters out there have an I.Q. under 100.
2009-07-04 by David Montgomery