Wednesday, January 4, 2012 / 4:19 pm

God Makes Plans and Man Craps: Iowa Edition

The unGoogleable underdog and other ridiculous individuals.

by Jim Washburn

Republican lunatics

You recall how at least three of the Republican candidates were told by God himself to run for president? (There may be others who kept the revelation to themselves, because they're so darned modest.) Maybe God is having second thoughts.

Of the three anointed ones, maybe Rick Santorum did have some divine help Tuesday night, as the unGoogleable underdog only barely lost the Iowa caucuses, even if that loss was to cultish heretic Mitt Romney. Santorum may need still more help from on high when the two contest in New Hampshire, where polls show him with only 6% of the vote compared to Romney's 43%.

But the other two? Michele Bachmann had promised a caucus-day miracle, but when the day was done, she ran sixth, with a mere 5%, this in a highly conservative state where she had campaigned for months. Bachmann announced today that she has “suspended” her campaign, which means the same thing as “quitting” except that she still gets to raise and spend funds.

God's other chosen one, Texas Gov. Rick Perry, also got a good thumping in Iowa, coming in 5th with 10%. After retreating to Texas to “reassess” his candidacy, he has now vowed to continue on, perhaps inspired by the sufferings of Job on God's behalf. Unlike Job, who rent his garment and cried out to the heavens, Perry contented himself with tweeting his intentions.

Jim Washburn has written for the Los Angeles Times, the Orange County Register, the OC Weekly, various MSN sites and just about anybody else willing to trade a paycheck for a pulse.


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