Of Cars and Toilet Seats

by Gary Phillips

The real deal auto show, as distinguished from the Alt Car auto show I wrote about a few weeks ago, is now at the Los Angeles Convention Center. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not dissing on the green car enthusiasts, because I do believe the future of the car and our environment has to be in hybrid and electric motors. But there is something to be said for seeing a wonder like that sweet swingin’ sled, the new retro riffed Mustang Boss 302 under those showroom lights, giving me a tingle like getting a patdown by an Amazonian TSA employee.

Cruising around the Convention Center last Friday checking out the goods, it became clear to me there’s two currents at work on our impulses as car buyers. The clean and green crowd gets its due in your Volts and Codas, but then there’s the mother of all SUVs like the black and shiny Lincoln Navigator. This behemoth is something like 9,000 pounds getting, at best, 14 mpg in city driving but more like 9 mpg according to Motor Trend. Having owned a couple of smaller SUVs back in the day, a Chevy Blazer and an Isuzu Rodeo (my sadly missed Jeep Sport Liberty, demolished by an unlicensed and uninsured driver—though at least I had the pleasure of seeing his car towed away by the cops at the scene due to his lack of coverage—was an in-between car and SUV) I walked around that Navigator shaking my head.

I haven’t gone all Smart car, but aside from Secret Service agents guarding the president, ostentatious rappers, and drug dealers (each niche market requiring the armored version naturally), who else needs this kind of motorized rhino? Just to stereotype for a minute, surely not those north of Montanaites in their Range Rovers and their G class boxy Mercedes gas guzzlers. Though certainly there’s a valid argument to be made about needing a large vehicles to transport your kids and their friends from their soccer games to the birthday party back to their math tutoring session or what have you—thus why my wife bought her Mazda MPV van a decade ago.

But is there a valid argument to be had for a Jaguar C-X75? So far only a concept vehicle, the prototype “electric car” was previously unveiled at the Paris Auto Show. Its specs include a cruising range of about 500 miles, though only 68 miles of that run solely on battery power. The lithium-ion battery takes about six hours to charge, and two gas turbines based on jet engine design juice the battery to extend the car’s range. The estimated price for this Batmobile is in the $300,000 neighborhood. That’s a rather restricted neighborhood for damn sure but as this car is geared toward those who can afford the Tesla sports electric car, I suppose it’s only a matter of time until other luxury brands introduce their versions.

Meanwhile among the traditional combustion engine vehicles, the L.A. Auto Show was privy to more innovations to, presumably, make our driving experience safer and smoother. There was the electric power-assisted steering mechanism on display in a plexiglass case; the Terrain Management System on the Ford Explorer (which official copy states “integrates powertrain and braking controls to provide appropriate traction for any driving conditions the roads and climate present”); the Lincoln MKX’s trademarked MyLincoln Touch that again in car manufacturer military-type parlance is a single command center, a touch screen menu for all things necessary and not including uploading pictures (should you really be doing that while driving?); GMC’s heavy duty Sierra pickup truck with a 92% stronger box frame; and the slammin’ ELS for the line of Acuras.

ELS stands for the Elliot Scheiner Surround sound system. Who is Elliot Scheiner? Like some character from the Flash’s rogues gallery, he is the undisputed Master of Sound. This cat is the first non-Japanese to be awarded such from Panasonic for his development of his cocoon of sound for the car. Scheiner is a Grammy winning record producer and engineer who’s worked with the likes of the Eagles, Steely Dan, Foo Fighters, Faith Hill, and REM. The Master of Sound award was established by the Japanese Audio Society in 1996 to memorialize December 6, 1877, when Thomas Edison invented the first phonograph—a day that the Society considers the birthday of audio.

 I don’t know if ELS helps you zen out while sitting through the bumper-to-bumper grind of traffic on the 405. Though I suppose if you were listening to the beneficence of Krishnamurti rather than the latest from gangsta rapper T.I.—to wit from his song “Undertaker”: “I’ma pimp type, nigga ridin’ clean after midnight/Ready for the gunplay, prepared for a fistfight/Roll up on yo bitch and ask her what that pussy hit like/First she acting funny, in a minute she gon’ to get right”—I’m sure it couldn’t hurt to slow your heart rate down.

When you’re a guy my size with a shamefully limited budget, car fit is important. Window shopping at the auto show, I found there’s room for me behind the wheel in the aforementioned Boss Mustang, the Black Beautyish, as in Green Hornet, Chrysler C-300S and Dodge’s totally bad ass Chargers and Challengers. With a low end price in the $23,000 price range, the Challenger coupe is within reach of my now post-50 pathetically reduced dreams. I’m not looking for a high end sports car and a giggling blonde to go with it, but a car seat that cushions my kidneys.

That said, I also took a look at the jaunty Juke from Nissan and the Kia Soul. Both are 4 cylinder vehicles made for the small car niche. Having had the practice of being able to get my dimensions into a Chevette for a number of years, albeit younger and more limber then, I was pleased to find easy access and exit from said vehicles. For not only in my possession from the car show are numerous pamphlets extolling the virtues of the various makes and models, but another little booklet I picked up last week at the Casual Male big and tall store buying a couple of shirts—Living XL.

Just in time for the holidays, the Living XL catalogue is subtitled “We fit your life.” In its pages the large individual can find 1,000 pound capacity folding metal chairs, extra-wide home office chairs, wider bicycle seats, and extra wide, load bearing toilet seats. There’s also exercise equipment offered in this fine publication and, thankfully, no recipes for funnel cake.

Big is in. Mike and Molly is a new sitcom about a plus sized couple and even with the emphasis on exercise and eating right the First Lady and health officials have stressed, our obesity rates still climb. Sure the reality show The Biggest Loser is about who can take off the most weight, but surely, inevitably, there’s bound to be talk of a Fat Channel percolating in Hollywood. Where plus-sized spokesmodels and guest commentators like film director Kevin Smith, who blogged about breaking a friend’s toilet seat (this months before being thrown off a Southwest Airlines flight for size reasons), will show us among the exercise and proper nutrition programs, which cars fit us best and test drive, as it were, those heavy duty toilet seats.

Say, maybe I ought to tweet the Fat Channel idea to Smith. I sell it, I can get that hybrid Challenger should it be available and drive to the gym ... or donut shop, in style.

Comments

Comments closed.

Copyright © 2012 Four Story Inc.         Home         Staff         Privacy         Contact