I Do Not Like Drug Addicts
by Rebecca Schoenkopf
I had already had words with the lady before I even darkened my father’s door this past Thanksgiving. Dad’s stupid dog, Quando, had bit some woman’s face the week before, and I had heard about it, and I was mad at him. Both hims, actually—the dog for being a freaking menace, and Dad for being codependent and claiming the dog was “sorry.” Also, Dad asked about Quando first, before any of his many children, that time he came out of his coma.
Now the dog was barking like a lunatic at us, and I told him to shut up. “Shut up, Quando!” I snarled.
“Don’t tell the dog to shut up!” this lady told me.
“I’ll tell that dog to shut up!” I explained.
“Don’t tell the dog to shut up!” she cleverly volleyed.
And like that, a couple more times, until she asked me who I thought I was, telling the dog to shut up, and I explained I was my Dad’s daughter, and I was there for Thanksgiving, and then she got all up in my space and started rubbing my arm, sohappytomeetme!, and UGH.
I do not like drug addicts.
I was not a perfect little ray of sunshine at this gathering—I had a pretty good puss on (that’s a sour face, young readers, and a phrase you should use!) and was generally annoyed and did not particularly want to be at my Dad’s for Thanksgiving. I was buried in school, and really would rather have gone to a restaurant. As it was, it would be a dry Thanksgiving at Dad’s House of Sobriety. It certainly was no Great Thanksgiving Drink-All-Day of 2005, when I brought to my mama’s tiny airplane bottles of premium gins. Man, that was a good one!
Anyway, eventually that lady asked for a hug, and I was startled and made a startled face, and she said “Why are you being so mean to me?” and I answered that she’d told me what to do before I’d even walked in the door, and she said I was right and she was sorry, and I gave her a hug. Bygones!
But then my son told me she’d been dancing around after he got out of the shower (he’d spent the week off school with Dad) and when he went to the room to get dressed, she asked, “Did I give you a boner?” (Since I haven’t made it clear up to now, this lady is a very attractive lady of 51. Seriously, she looks really good; I would have put her at 42 tops. I think pills must keep you freshened. And for those of you at home not keeping track of my son’s tender years, he is a gentle lad of 16.)
Also, she asked him, “How are you ... down there?” and made a grab for his scrot before somehow corralling enough brain cells to stop herself and stroke his stomach instead.
Also, when we left, she kissed my son on the neck.
So that’s why I don’t like drug addicts this week.
Here is the title of my next country song: “Good-Lookin’ Lady, Git Yer Claws Off My Son!”
But while all that is gross and awful and terrible and gross, and we almost vomited many times when my boy told us about it in the car, that grossness and awfulness and terribleness and grossness is not in itself endangersome. (It also provided a Teachable Moment in how to stand up to molesters.) And yet, endangersome? Drug addicts are that too! Here should be the title of someone’s next rap: “Don’t Go on No Three-Day Mission With No Baby in the Crib.” You may use it, if you are a rapper. Really, please, it’s yours!
My Dad is always saddened by my sour face around the addicts he counsels. I am not being very Jesusy, he reminds me, because Jesus loved the hookers, outcasts, and thieves. I have contemplated writing to Miss Manners about it, even, but Miss Manners would just tell me if I can’t be gracious, stay home.
Listen, if you are a drug addict, but you are sober when I meet you (and “just pills” doesn’t count, Slurry), then I will be happy for you and wish you well! I like it very much when people get clean! Good for you, You! Let’s throw you a parade!
But if you are whining for your “meds,” or passing out in the Easter duck, or trying to get your hands down my son’s pants, I’m not going to be patient about it. I will make fun of you behind your back, and I will mimic you mercilessly with your carrying-on, and I will judge you, I don’t care how lest-I’ll-be-judged.
And why? Because you’re disgusting.
It’s funny, isn’t it, that I feel like I have to defend my anti-drug-addict position? I must really have internalized my Dad’s Jesus talk.
If I were a school board member, I could call for Red Ribbon parades and DARE programs all the livelong day. But I like drugs. (Some drugs.) I just don’t like addicts. When my Dad first got sober, when I was a little girl, he always preferred Alcoholics Anonymous meetings to Narcotics Anonymous or Cocaine Anonymous. The alcoholics, he said, were always grateful to be sober. At NA and CA it was just whine, whine, whine about how sad they were they couldn’t shoot dope. Poor them, etc., and waaaaaaah.
I love my father. He’s a really fine man. And as he goes about, doing God’s work as he sees it, I’m grateful somebody is. Clean ’em all up, Dad! Right on with your bad self! And please keep Ol’ Sexy there off of my son.
rebecca@fourstory.org
Comments
Well, that Thanksgiving story makes dealing with Obama/Democrat/liberal haters (tactfully, as much as possible) at family gatherings seem so dog-bites-man.
The thing about the molestation attempt on your son that makes this story even weirder is that, IIRC, your son is your father’s biological son who you took in because he and the boy’s soon-to-die addict mother could not do a smidgeon of basic parenting.
That’s more Jesusy than anything that Jesus’ presidential candidate Sarah Palin has ever done, and will ever do.
Not bad for a presumably agnostic, Jewish, commiegirl.
2010-12-10 by devtobYou do mostly recall correctly, Devtob. But have a little compassion for my daddy! He’s a really lovely man. At the time, he was a 55-year-old man with a recently deceased wife he was heartbroken over, and he was in the middle of a relapse. He really thought he was doing okay for the baby.
And also, I’m Catholic AND a Jew.
2010-12-10 by rebecca“He really thought he was doing okay for the baby.”
Yes he was.
As this Thanksgiving story makes clear.
2010-12-10 by devtobYeah, drugs. Theres 8 million stories in the naked city. I think somehow theres some conspiracy to hook people. On the other side, people like to alter their consciousness, I know I do.
Young Master James is old enough to fend off untoward advances. I liken this incident to Prince Charles and Camilla being waylaid on their way to a show.
What gets me, is this tax issue. I mean, expletive deleted. The president has initiated a new era in global politics, economics and human interaction by virtue of cementing green, sustainable policy.
His reward? Getting dumped by liberals over the tax deal. Its a doable thing, it just depends. Everything depends. Everything depends.
I know your dads a good dude by you. The apple never falls far from the tree. Love your show, Marry me Christmas and Happy Me Hannukah:))
2010-12-11 by robert hagenAnother thing that pisses me off off about this whole tax deal thing is how so called liberals were there for Obama when he was their savior, but when the president’s in a pinch, it’s adios amigo.
What bullshit.
You find out who’s solid when times are tough, not when
LIBERALS WERE SCURRYING INTO THE OBAMA CAMP LIKE SHEEP INTO A PEN, barely two years ago. Did people think he was photogenic?
The Republicans are ruthless when it comes to taxes, we all know that.
The solution is not to abandon the president when he’s under serious political fire, but that’s umkay, and also merry X fest.
I’m not going for it.
This tax deal is going through, simply because it will only be worse when the Republican horde takes control of the House.
Another thing- simpering liberals who glorified Bill Clinton, only because times were good, and now times are tough, and where’s the fucking love, huh?
This tax deal looks bad because it flies in the face of liberal orthodoxy- YES OR NO?
But if you’re not willing to get out on the street, then please, for the love of sweet baby Jesus, don’t get on the president’s back.
Barack Obama has alot on his plate, in case you’ve noticed. Band wagon patriots are a dime a dozen, and dizzy liberals who think Obama is good looking, maybe like JFK, but when the time comes to actually support the man, oh no, that’s too tough. Then no wonder Republicans smell blood. I mean it. No wonder.
The economics are entirely fungible, this is a political issue. I’m sad, too. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to abandon Obama.
2010-12-12 by robert hagenThat’s the nice thing about “boundries,” as in: “Yo, Dad. Love ya dearly. You’re a great guy, HOWEVER, New Rules: When I’m visiting with my young son and any of your guests are drunk/drugged/inappropriate, we’re outta there forthwith, bye-bye. Kid’s 16 and I WILL NOT put him in the position of having to put up with drunk/drugged/inappropriate behavior from your friends. Nuh-huh, nope. Don’t gotta. Ain’t gonna. Huggies and kissies, but, See ya!”
2010-12-13 by Ann CalhounYeah Ann, I hear you. It’s a question of parental guidance, and it takes knowing your child, and your child knowing boundaries, but Jimmy’s not a child anymore, he’s a young man. Men are callous, let’s face it. I met Jimmy when he was 11, twice, and the kid was just very well adjusted. He’s got a strong family that sticks together, and that’s what it takes.
Regarding the tax deal, I was certainly off the mark getting hostile, and that’s a function of my own unhappiness, that’s all.
As far as the technical merits, I like it because it stabilizes the Christmas giving season, and it sets the stage for a more reasonable first quarter 2011, when households are concerned about annual tax obligations. If Congress were to convene in January without us having taken decisions, given the history of disfunctionality amongst Republicans and Democrats, it would promise further political chaos.
In politics as in family, inability to get along which leads to common destructive behavior and poor outcomes is essentially the definition of dysfunctionality.
There was a significant tax relief component to the 2009 stimulus. If we set aside for the moment that ‘stimulus’ is a hot button word, we can consider that the 2009 stimulus achieved all of it’s objectives- it was a short term high stakes power play that sought to pull us from the edge of financial systemic meltdown that would take the larger economy with it.
Next, cash for clunkers and home buying incentives each provided highly effective incentive programs that revived, shored up, and stabilized automobile sales and residential real estate. These are massive markets, and the success of those programs was no small feat.
The tax deal will not break the federal coffers. We can roll over and massage another year of Godzilla deficit, provided we address the real threat- unwillingness of Republicans and Democrats to work together, which sends poor signals to the private sector and global markets.
It’s been an eventful year, and the past election saw people, myself included, passing from impassioned arguments to overly hostile rhetoric which gets remembered long after the results are in. Doing this tax deal will go a long way toward refocussing our national debate on policy sets, and away from divisive attacks and dismal intransigency.
2010-12-14 by robert hagenOur tax problems won’t be solved until we all start behaving like adults. Grover Norquist and his Blood Oaths of NO TAXES is childish. Taxes are what we pay to have a decent society (and keep the roof from leaking.) And the voters constantly voting in (in Calif) initiatives with no way to pay for them (except The Other Guy) is also childish. There is no free pudding. The trick is for everyone to grow up, figure out a fairer way to tax both business and income, then decide what we want to do/be as a civil society, then cough up the dough to create that civil society. None of which will happen if you have all the wealth in the hands of an oligarchy in the “I’ve Got Mine, F—k You, Jack” mode and the other vaster half is sinking into poverty and creating a Dickensian Banana Republic society.
But, I won’t hold my breath in the meantime. Unless, somehow, the Senate rules get changed to stop the abuse of the fulibuster and allow it to function as a democratic institutiion instead of something hijacked and held hostage by a minority. Maybe then, compromise can occur and things can actually get done to move forward. But that won’t/ can’t happen with a busted Senate. Ditto Calif lege, with the 2/3rd votes, which are impossible and just create gridlock. Americans at some point have to get over their mad and decide to actually make their government work for them and the greater good. And that requires they. . . grow up.
2010-12-15 by Ann CalhounAnn,
I think you are a sort of genius.
2010-12-16 by robert hagenThis is Soda Stereo live in Peru, playing ‘After the Earthquake has Passed.’ I trust all parties concerned will recognize the innate superiority of Argentine rock:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9—0OdPxi5w
2010-12-16 by robert hagen
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that just about sez it all, dorter. ahhhhhh, memories.
2010-12-10 by mom