Countdown to a Patdown

by David Deutsch

I’m so disappointed.

No, I’m not bummed about the recent midterm election results. And no, the various injustices in the world have not ruffled my feathers today. No friends, I’m disappointed because I expected to be felt up by TSA agents on a recent trip and I wasn’t. In a way, I’m outraged that I didn’t get outraged. Got that? Yeah, me neither.

A few days before Thanksgiving, the TSA announced that air travelers will have one of two options when passing through airport security:

1. Submit yourself to an invasive full-body scan, or
2. Get molested by—er, patted down by—a friendly TSA agent.

Once news of these new regulations leaked, the TSA became the latest government agency viciously vilified by the American people. TSA Opt-Out Day was launched, urging folks to opt out of the full-body scans; some went through screening in bikinis; metal underwear was manufactured to protect our privates; liberals and conservatives came together, screeching with one voice. The last time I saw this level of ferocity directed toward a Federal agency—the IRS notwithstanding—was FEMA just after their debacle following Hurricane Katrina.

photo: Nicola Brennan

My flight was scheduled the day before Thanksgiving, one of the busiest travel days of the year. It also happened to be the first day the policies took effect, so I braced myself for the worst, arriving at John Wayne Airport more than two hours early. (For the uninitiated, John Wayne is the actual name of the airport in Orange County.) To make things more complicated, I purchased some authentic California avocados for Thanksgiving guacamole because, apparently, East Coast avocados mostly suck.

After my friend dropped me off I walked into the airport, steeling my nerves for the Black Wednesday madness. Indeed, I mentally prepared a blog post about how the TSA squeezed and seized my avocados, both literally and figuratively. Yes, friends, I would use multiple double entendres to leave my audience in stitches. I even joked about this on my Facebook status before leaving, saying how lonely I had been and how I was looking forward to getting some personal and intimate attention from the TSA.

Alas, none of this came to pass. The airport was more or less dead at 9:30 am and I breezed through security. Nobody tried to feel or seize my literal or figurative avocados. In fact I got through the gate so early my flight wasn’t listed on the departure board yet. The new security scanners weren’t even installed. How disappointing! I was so looking forward to complaining endlessly, tweeting my outrage—OUTRAGE!—at how long it took to go through security and how those awful agents in blue felt my junk and took my guac away.

My self-righteous indignation was building for days, and for what? Friendly if bored Federal agents doing their jobs? How anticlimactic! Maybe, I thought, it was because I flew out an airport where security protocols were not yet in place. Yes, I thought: I will be returning to Orange County from Philadelphia International Airport. Certainly I’d get my dose of outrage there, right?

Wrong.

In fact, I found the TSA agents to be more friendly than the ones at John Wayne. And once again I was not subjected to any indignities, much less full-body scans.

What has been most interesting about these changes has been my international friends’ reaction. A friend from Dubai was horrified at how lax our security was pre-9/11 and could not understand the American overreaction to these new policies. She reminded me that most countries have had labyrinthine security measures at airports for years. She had a good point: could you imagine an El Al flight or one from Dubai departing with ineffective security?

A friend from Scotland shared similar sentiments:

I also need to comment on how stupid and irresponsible I think the TSA Opt Out Day is—c'mon people get a grip. TSA officials are going to scan you in a big see through machine! Oooh they will see your naughty parts for a spilt second! ... I think it’s a small price to pay to ensure that you get to your destination ALIVE and in one piece. There are too many nutters out there prepared to blow themselves and whoever else they can. This is a proactive use of technology to reduce the likelihood of terrorist attacks during air travel. I for one am not going to be opting out—let's let the TSA folks do their job without adding to it and distracting them from what they are there to do.

From what I can tell, this whole ordeal made TSA agents friendlier. Maybe they are sick of being the bad guys all the time. And who can blame them? They have jobs to do, and they do the best they can.

My take on this whole episode is this: we live in a complicated world, which is becoming increasingly uncertain. This uncertainty creates stress, which leads to lashing out, which leads to government regulation, which leads to more stress, and so on. As a proud civil libertarian, I think we should give these new policies a chance and see how draconian they are. If they really are so intrusive and violate our Constitutional rights, then our court system will strike them down. Meanwhile, all this hyperventilating should ease off.

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