MasterPlanning!: Brazen Promises for a Brazen Future
by Tony Chavira
I’d really like it if everyone got what they wanted. So I, Tony Chavira, Associate Editor of FourStory, hereby promise with the unrestricted and uninhibited patronage of this website that we will see flying magnetic supersonic super-railways loom broadly over the hyper-dense future county of Los Angeles in the year 2015. That is an unbreakable promise.
Furthermore, I also promise that Orange County will be subdivided into parcels and streetscaping will be mandated by the non-corrupt OC sheriff’s department. Riverside County will be zoned for “agricultural” and “non-agricultural” land, and all agricultural land will be managed by robots of various sizes and shapes to monitor water use, soil quality, and the health of animals. San Bernardino County will be built into Main Street-style localities which will all include boutiques, small chain stores, and all of the local fare Inland Empire can handle, which will ultimately increase the value of all property in San Bernardino County tenfold. As for Ventura County, I promise an almost limitless supply of subsidies so that everyone can live by the beach, unless you have farmland, in which case you can use robots to maintain your agribusiness while you hang out at your dream beach shack.
On top of all of this, I promise that all counties will be further interconnected using a vast array of transportation investments. First, I will widen all of the freeways by five lanes, not including two extra carpool lanes. How will we do this, you ask? By double-deckering the freeways, naturally. All street lights will be coordinated to minimize traffic and will digitally adjust at different times of the day to alleviate heavier traffic periods. Everywhere roads don’t exist will be bicycle lanes, and in fact there will be so many bicycle lanes separated from the road system that you never have to step off of your bike. Although helmet use will be optional, we’ll have local businesses provide incentives or discounts for those who bike with their helmets. That should take care of that issue.
I also stand by a guarantee to increase the number of electric, hydrogen-powered buses on the road tenfold, and eventually twentyfold. This will provide jobs, as the Metropolitan Transit Authority hires a new army of drivers, as well as engineers to maintain the system. But public transit will not be limited to buses. I promise that you will not be able to walk a quarter of a mile in any direction without bumping into a subway stop. Seismic retrofitting and tunneling technology have improved so much in the past fifty years that developing a cosmically-interconnected system of underground railways to move ourselves around Southern California will be both cheap and effortless. From the Santa Barbara city limits to the desert of Palm Springs to the edges of Tijuana, the option of rail movement will be limitless to all residents of Southern California. And all-day rail tickets will only be $5, if anything at all.
Each suburban neighborhood will have a local park, community center, public restroom, and performance/
recreational/multipurpose space for public events. Into these public areas, we will work to incorporate schools, buildings for police and firefighters, and city halls to promote local interest and access to politicians and issues. Granted, each area will have its own design specific to its needs (for example, more access to the beach in Redondo, more access to bars and restaurants in West Hollywood, more access to local produce in Oxnard, more access to concert venues in East Los Angeles), but overall the idea of local infusion is a cornerstone of this promise campaign. Yes, we will develop dense urban neighborhoods, but we will also reclaim suburban neighborhoods and cul-de-sacs and provide money for the restoration and renovation of these communities.
Of course, everything will be environmentally sustainable. All of the highways, roadways and trains will be outfitted with energy-harvesting shock absorbers. Each home and structure will be geothermal, passively-designed to be cool during the summer and warm during the winter, mechanically-designed to include small wind turbines and solar panels galore; and each neighborhood will utilize wastewater/graywater in several phases (although most homes will be designed to use an minimal amount of water). In fact, most of the waste and trash (that isn’t large solid waste) will go back into powering the house. Altogether there should be more than enough power for your home and all of your appliances, and even your electric car can plug in for a jolt or two. Naturally, you’ll be feeding back into the massive energy grid with all of that power and it can be used to desalinate saltwater or clean waste water for further use. And I absolutely promise that you will still have a bright green lawn, since we’re going to re-landscape your gardens inside and out for water efficiency. Besides, who likes having to water their lawns every night? Not me, that’s for sure. Everything around you will simply get easier.
Everything will and must be made from everything else. All solid waste management will be handled at an extreme level of recycling and reclamation: as we tear the old inefficient Southern California down brick by brick, we will use those bricks to develop the new and perfectly efficient Southern California. Nothing will go to waste, whether it’s outdated technology, old disintegrating food, recycled clothes and shoes, or entire buildings, skyscrapers included. Old concrete from roads will be used to develop structures, old wood from buildings will be used for mulch, old fiberglass that would have been asbestos will be turned into energy-efficient windows, every single thing will and must be made from everything else. And it will all be done by Public Works; you, as a citizen, don’t have to change any of your daily habits. That is a promise.
Absolutely no new additional fees, laws or taxes required. No politicians will be involved in the development of this city, only experts. You’ll have full control over the design of your home and an equal say in that of your neighborhood. You’ll be able to drive anywhere you want, but will be encouraged to jump on public transit. Historic buildings will be kept historic, everything else will be replaced in favor of energy efficiency and designed development. Nothing will stand in the way of this progress. Nothing will get in the way of our beautiful future city. You will see it and it will solve all of your problems, I absolutely guarantee it to you.
What do you say? Isn’t all of this what you want? Did I leave anything out?
All hyperbole aside, city planning and transportation goals in Southern California need to get straightened out before we can move forward. Money is currently going to programs that promote all of these end goals, and many of them clearly conflict in either end goal or their environmental impact. Right now we’re trying to flex our local government budgets to cater to advocates of everything, but you just can’t please all of the people all of the time. Set an agenda and move forward. Sell a vision for the urban landscape and convince us!
FourStory doesn’t actually promise anything Tony Chavira pledges in this article. If it doesn’t all pan out, the secretary will disavow any knowledge of his actions. This article will self-destruct in five seconds.
www.racaia.com | tony@fourstory.org
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