About the Dude Who Tried to Steal My Boyfriend’s Bike Off My Porch
by Rebecca Schoenkopf
“Babe?” I called.
“What?” he answered.
“Can you come out here please?”
“I’m not dressed,” he said.
Fuck. This crazy person on my porch was probably going to kill me, and there was no way to let my boyfriend know he needed to put his clothes on and come save me without letting the crazy person know I was onto his me-murdering plans. How did I know he was going to murder me? Because he was meth-skinny, wearing spandex pants and a vest with no shirt, and when I caught him “moving” my boyfriend’s bike and opened the door and asked “Can I help you,” he’d asked (superlying) for “Kristen” and then said the yellow of the bike had vibed him out and so he’d come up on the porch. For the vibes, and the yellow, and something was wrong with his car so could he have a drink? I finally got my boyfriend dressed by suggesting in a carrying voice that he move his bike inside (we had a nice conversation later about my possible murder versus the possible theft of his bike, and he promised that if I’d screamed, he would have run out naked and brained the guy with the fireplace poker, so he is a very good boyfriend, and from now on, he’s going to treat a deceptively mild request for his presence with girlfriend-rescuing urgency, as is right and proper, and also we agreed he would have been super sad if I’d died, which I always like to think about, so I had fun) and as he kept an eye on Crazy on the Porch, I got him a plastic cup of water and told him firmly he could take it with him. He poured it on his car.
A few minutes later, unable to suss out whether we were dealing with bad drugs or bad mental illness, and whether or not the dude really was trying to steal the bike (how would he even have fit it in his car, which was right there?), we called the cops. Then we lurked at the French doors (which didn’t hide us at all) and watched the dude go a couple times to the gay guys’ house across the street until they stopped opening their door to him and then the cops finally got there and cuffed him. We stayed inside, and the gay guy across the street stayed inside (he’d probably called the cops too), but the black guy across the street came outside to watch with interest, probably because he hadn’t called the cops and thus was free to announce his presence instead of lurking at the windows, and Crazy, once cuffed, started to sound really normal and reasonable until the big fat bald cop finally pointed at my house and asked Crazy if he’d tried to steal our bike. Dude, Bald Cop, what the fuck?
art by Paul Takizawa
Bald Cop came over and said Dude wasn’t playing with a full deck, he didn’t have any drugs in his vest pockets, he didn’t seem to be a danger to himself or others and thus was ineligible for a three-day hold, and we could have him arrested for trespass or they could just make him move on.
A move on was fine. I don’t usually have people arrested for stepping on my property. At least, not often.
And Dude drove off, and that’s when we saw the flattest tire on earth, and realized with horror that we’d just called the cops on someone for having a flat tire and daring to be stuck in our peaceful middle-class neighborhood, and of course he’d poured the water on the tire. That’s how you look for a leak.
God damn it! And so, with dread, I asked the cops if I had really just called them on someone for having a flat tire, and Bald Cop explained (really sympathetically, I thought, for a cop) that Dude was a homeless tranny prostitute who lived out of his car, which was filled with pink luggage, wigs, and the stench of perfume, and that since he was stuck with that flat, he’d probably been “borrowing” the bike as a way to go turn a trick and get some cash, and maybe he would have even returned it later (or sold it), and even though he never said whether he personally thought it was justified or not to call the cops on Crazy, it sounded sort of justified to me. But oh, poor Crazy! He clearly hadn’t eaten in three days or more, and I didn’t offer him any food, I just called the Man, and I am not a very good Jesus, and I felt genuinely terrible about it. But then my boyfriend said maybe if I’d given the guy some food, he would have thrown that on the car too, and then we laughed at the man for probably being mentally ill, even though the water on the tire was totally justified. So, we suck, but it was funny still, probably because of how we weren’t dead.
As the cops left, I went immediately across the street to confab with the gay guy. (I said, “Babe! You go talk to the black dude, and I’ll go talk to the gay guy!” Because they live all the way across the street, so I do not know their names. They’re very nice neighbors, though. We all like each other, namelessly, very much.) And the gay guy said that the first time Crazy came over he’d asked for the nonexistent Asian chick upstairs and then had said he was going to report the gay guy for having animals in his ceiling and then once he’d gotten back to his car he’d snarled, “Did you slash my tire, motherfucker?” and then the gay guy hadn’t answered his door anymore after that. Also, the gay guy had seen the cop point at our house and had also said to himself dude, Bald Cop, what the fuck? The black guy had just gotten home and hadn’t seen anything. Which we already knew, because I had said several times to my boyfriend, while we were wondering if the guy was on PCP, “Babe, you should go see if the black guy across the street is home!” because of how he’s a really big guy. And then we saw him get home and then the cops came. So, like that, and then it was over, and we had all that adrenalin from not getting murdered and feeling like dicks.
I really do wish I’d offered more to Crazy, food or cash or sympathy, instead of acting the uptight hausfrau burgher and reporting someone for being poor. He was stuck, and sad, and scary too. I don’t know what the right answer was. But now the baseball bat is next to the door.
rebecca@fourstory.org
Comments
Oh, you mean where the hell was my best dog in the world? She was next to me, and rushed out at him when I opened the door, which caused him to stutter “Nice dog,” and then not steal the bike. I am pretty sure that’s what happened. Also, if he had killed me, she definitely would have barked at him some.
2010-09-10 by rebeccaIs this an allegory? Rebecca, the idea is for you not to become the Black Dahlia. Don’t take that the wrong way LOL
Yeah, I still have it.
I’m prepping a road trip to LA to campaign for Democrats. Thank you for advising me of the danger of your environs, Rebecca, something I apprised you of years ago.
Born in beautiful downtown Burbank, I was. Reared in my terrible twos in the projects over by the freeway just east of downtown.
GRADUATE
of kindergarden at George Washington elementary, right across the street from MacArthur Park, class of 1969.
It was ugly, I remember that much.
2010-09-10 by diegonomics9-11 is an ugly date, its a date of lies.
Im not going to celebrate it, anymore than I’m going celebrate the war machine thats taken hold of my life.
Thats also, by the way, cost the USA its economic hegemony.
Thats also, by the way, cost the USA its global political hegemony.
Now, what good is military hegemony going to do the USA without economic or political leadership?
This is my question.
And yet, the fight is on, to terrorize Americans sufficiently, and it isn’t Al Qaeda that is doing this to us.
Today, I cant bear to claim San Diego falsely.
2010-09-11 by diegonomicsYou know, Rebecca 9-11 puts me in a bad mood, and then I get drunk, provoked, and lash out.
I’m walking around in a drunken stupor around here, and it pisses me off.
We’re working on stuff, okay?
And Rebecca, when I say that I mean it, I’m not one of these retro neo cons that promises next year, next year.
Its complicated, okay Rebecca?
Do you want to hear some country? Baby, I remember you telling me you like country music, so heres a little something for you. My idea of country? Conway Twitty:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9V1fX-FvKW8
2010-09-12 by diegonomicsFab, fab story. I’m always a sucker for funny + substance, and you’re quite good at that.
2010-09-14 by GreggoryOh, Rebecca!
We are getting ready to celebrate the bicentennial of Mexico!
We are going to do this, and then we go for another two hundred years.
dedication from Mana, which roughly translates to ‘You are a little
piece of my heart.’
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pM963iNIOZ4&channel=officialmana
2010-09-15 by diegonomicsMexican Bicentennial photo album:
Viva Mexico!
President of the Republic of Mexico Felipe Calderon Hinojosa:
http://www.topnews.in/files/calderon.jpg
Mexican students, Ready to Learn!:
http://ww2.wkkf.org/ExtImages/Newsroom/09images/stories_mex_main.jpg
Tour Mexico:
http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.allendemexico.com/images/san-miguel-de-allende.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.allendemexico.com/&h=261&w=470&sz=46&tbnid=Hc1biLJeP6DKuM:&tbnh=72&tbnw=129&prev;=/images?q=ignacio+de+allende&zoom=1&q=ignacio+de+allende&hl=en&usg=__7ua3cuu9LHgF3rNfl2KDUeuFBpc=&sa=X&ei=DhGRTLu4FIeosAPtm6myDg&sqi=2&ved=0CCQQ9QEwBg
Ignacio de Allende broke the chains:
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
Google Image:
http://www.google.com/logos/2010/d4gmexico2010-hp.jpg
Robert @ Matrix on Revolucion 9/15/10:
http://www.myspace.com/diegonomics/photos/26141956
2010-09-15 by diegonomicsCarlos Santana grew up in Tijuana, and his music blesses the world:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zjk7uZ5fsZk
Tijuana’s Municipal police officers:
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_eEloiAjriQE/SdJ-dlNt-3I/AAAAAAAAAPQ/KFWpUq-9lA8/s320/mesina.jpg
The true Tijuana super cop:
http://www.zetatijuana.com/html/EdicionActual/ZETAIntroPage.html
2010-09-15 by diegonomicsYep, the end around. Oklahoma is OK.
‘All’s fair in love and war.’
- William Shakespeare
I’m on a new strategy called ‘Outsmart the competition and don’t be a victim.’
Buzo TV, Rebecca:
Theme from the ‘Odd Couple ‘
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2be6jGwLoJ0
An indecent proposal:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=abNQbYQiKNE
2010-09-18 by diegonomicsRebecca, I learned all of those dirty media words from you. Then I went with a winner.
The buzos might say
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RHaeJ4gYwCc
lets take a look. The world has globalized. It was perfectly fine for neo cons to tell everyone how its supposed to be, but later, actually now, its not alright for the world to claim otherwise.
This is what a life of living lies will get you. ‘Whats fine for me is not fine for you.’ In other words, and these are the ones that configure
‘Its not me. I do it to others, but its not me. I know its a lie, but I do it to others.’
Yes or no, Rebecca.
2010-09-19 by diegonomicshttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mRw9vo4XrjU
2010-09-19 by diegonomics
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Where the hell was that worthless dog of yours!?!?!?!
2010-09-10 by eric steinberg